Things you shouldn't discuss with pregnant women who are "so over it."

Normally, I'm pretty tolerant to most lines of conversation, but as with anyone there are a few buttons I have that people continuously press that ignite the silent fury within.

When I wasn't pregnant, I'd just roll my eyes and just let them go on and on, even if what they were saying was totally erroneous and was pissing me off. I would remember to just tiptoe around that subject the next time. That's what mature people do.

Now, I'm on the "burn me once, fuck you" mindset. I don't want to be bothered. I don't want people living vicariously through me for my pregnancy. Shit, they don't have a say in how I raise my kid--not while he's comfortable in a quart of mommy juice and not after he's born and gets his little nostrils sucked clean. He's mine! MINE damnit! I'll fuck up his childhood as I see fit, 'kay? If I prefer my sons to being geeks rather than hooligans, don't tell me they're going to be fucking pussies. My job is to equip them with the education and social skills they need to go to college...not sit up in their momma's house playing video games after graduation (like some people I know).

I was a book and building block baby, and my kids will be, too, because I know IT WORKS for development. There aren't going to be any distracting electronic gadgets that are manufactured under the guise of being educational tools. I had a Teddy Ruxpin that read to me and 2 hours of Sesame Street each day. I didn't have a hand-held computer with a bunch of cartridges teaching me letters and numbers like my younger brother (some good it did him, it just trained him to sit with his eyes glazed over in front of the Play Station until 2 in the morning).

I wish people (in my family) would assume I have a little fucking common sense and not state the gee dee obvious every. time. I. talk. to. them. No shit I'm going to get bigger. I'm already sensitive about being 30 pounds over my "target" weight with three months left (I guess 20 pounds of it was gained since the pregnancy). They haven't seen me since I was in my third month, and that was when my mother told me I was "carrying in the back." They won't see me or this baby until after he's born.

I don't want any guidance on epidurals or not getting epidurals from women in my family. It'll be my decision when I get in the stirrups whether I need pain relief, and I haven't made my intentions known one way or the other yet. I don't want to be criticized because "such and such had natural births." Well, such-and-such didn't have 8+ pound kids like I was and like my husband was. 8+8 probably equals 8.

It'll also be my decision who goes into the delivery room with me. Even if I am able to have two family members in there, it doesn't mean that I'll choose to do that (so univite yourself!). If your name isn't Scott, get your ass out and go sit in the waiting room with everyone else. What am I, a fucking movie screen? If you haven't seen my crotch since before puberty, you're not going to get reintroduced to it now. I don't need more than one person telling me to push. I can hear just fine, thanks.

If I don't want to breastfeed, that's my business. It's not something I can be talked into or out of. It'll come down to what I am able to do that doesn't compromise my professional routines or my husband's ability to feed the little wailer when he needs to.

All that being said, there are only a few things I want to talk about that relate to this pregnancy. These I've deemed as "safe" conversation prompts. These will get the pregnant woman to open up and opine without you ramming your suggestions down her throat. Use them as you see fit:

Wow, your hair looks so thick and shiny. (do ask before touching) [Instead of "You shouldn't be putting chemicals in your hair.]

That's a cute maternity shirt. Do you think I could get away with wearing that over my belly rolls? [Instead of "Dayum, you're getting huge!"]

Your feet look like they hurt. [Instead of "Ew! Your feet look fat!"]

Do you have everything you need for the nursery? [Instead of "Oh my God, you should buy....!]

How do your cats feel about the pregnancy? [Instead of "You'll have to get rid of them, you know."]

Have you taken any birthing or breastfeeding classes? [Instead of "You should do X, Y, and Z."]

What kind of toys are you going to buy? [Instead of "You should buy him boy toys so he'll know his role."]

and on and on and on. Now turn to your partner and practice together.

Posted by Tiffany at August 25, 2006 08:38 AM | TrackBack