Damn, I needed that.

Via Karsh. List up to ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different people. Do not state who these people are. Do not confirm or deny any 'comment speculation'

1. You don't need any more sneakers.

2. You're really not doing anyone any favors by offering that for a salary. The hints I make about how expensive gasoline is should fuel some thought about how much my and my assistant's salaries suck. It further bothers me that your yearly company" car payment is half my salary.

3. I don't listen to my voicemails because, ta da!, I have caller ID and I KNOW WHO CALLED ME!!! I don't need to hear anymore whining about why I won't speak to such-and-such. She knows why. If she pretends otherwise, she is not only a stingy strumpet, but also an idiot.

4. It's my baby, damn it. If I want to leave him or her at an in-law's house for a month during the summer, try and stop me. Further, if my half-white kid ends up sounding like Hillary Banks from "Fresh Prince," I expect nothing less than you telling me how cute it is.

5. Just because you're standing 6 feet from my desk doesn't mean you need to have a conversation with me. If I do not specifically make eye contact with you, do NOT ask me what I'm doing, or what I did over the weekend. Further, do not ask any follow-up questions when it was obvious from my tone of voice that I don't want to be harrassed. That's not my dry, witty humor coming out. That's my pisstivity. Move!

6. STOP CALLING ME TIFF! Continuing to shorten my name in any way will cause me to change how yours is spelled on all the company literature. That way, when random-ass people call in for you, they'll ask for you by your new "stage" name.

7. Stop asking me about the details of my sick days. No, I didn't have the flu. No, it wasn't allergies. When I say, "JUST SICK," that means that I'm too prudish to say that I was hungover, or else that I'm pregnant and don't want you in my business.

8. Quit trying to get me to coconspirit on work revolts. Stop logging things via email and forwarding them to like I'm going to print them out and keep them in some book. If you have a problem with certain coworkers, either confront them professionally or voice your concerns with the boss. I hate to be the one to tell you, but everyone you talk to about this thinks that you're incredibly paranoid. At the same time, while we feel there are grounds for many of your complaints, you don't express them the right way - don't try to drag other people down with you. We may be trying to leave, too, but we want to leave with clean references. I can't do anything for you - I'm the office manager. I shuffle paper. I pay the bills. I do the payroll. I don't want to organize your revolution. See #2 above - I don't get paid enough for that.

9. When you poop in the box, you have to take your little paw and cover it up with a little bit of the litter. See, let me show you. Just like that. If you have issues with the quality of your litter, please see the man with the wallet.

10. I feel sorry for whatever woman marries you, if you can find a woman that dumb. You're probably one of the most trifling individuals I've encountered in seven years.