Rules of the Road

I'd hate to beat a dead [and buried] horse, but occassionally some event occurs that makes me mad all over again and cause me

to puff smoke out my ears.

I profess: North Carolina drivers are the worst in the country. See the extended entry for my manifesto.

I wish to make the arguement that North Carolina drivers, specifically those in the piedmont, are the worst in the world (self excluded). My theory is that because we have three research universites within twenty miles of each other, we have the greatest concentration of PhDs. PhDs are hard to attract, so we have to poach them from other states and countries. This mishmosh of driving styles results in chaos on the road. I won't inject any stereotypes in the mix, but one particular one comes to mind. Some of the following items are available for your continual reference in your drivers'manual. Many others are common sense.

Concerning Speed Limits

1. Some states post minimum speeds in tandem with high speed limits. You will be ticketed if you're driving below that because it's dangerous - you're asking to be road kill. Some 18-wheeler could come screaming around a curve and since you're driving as if you're in a foot-powered Flintstonemobile, your ass gets rear-ended and squashed like a bug.

2. In situations where there is NO observable minimum speed, a good rule of thumb is to go no slower than seven miles below the speed limit. Why? Because (generally speaking), the judge will throw out anything within a seven mile-per-hour fuck-up if you get ticketed and go to court.

3. Under no circumstances will you drive below the speed limit in a lane other than the far-right lane if there is more than one lane in your direction present.

Concerning Passing

4. (See item #3) When there are only two lanes going in one direction, and for whatever fucked-in-the-head reason you're not observing rule 3, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT keep pace with the car in the lane next to you if that car is also driving below the prevailing traffic speed. You think that you're preventing yourself from getting a ticket, but in reality, you're blocking TWO lanes of cars from passing either of your slow asses. MOVE!

5. In rural environs where there are two lanes and a dotted line indicating passability, do NOT speed up as soon as the passing car overtakes your rear bumper. As much as you'd like to think "Hey, I want to see some fireworks! Let's see this bozo crash!" is a fun idea, if such a disaster really happened, you'd shit your seat.

6. Also concerning rural passing: move to the far right of your lane so that the passing car doesn't rip off your mirror.

7. If at any point you fail to observe rules 3, and 4 and you see the person in the car behind you making hand gestures for you to either speed up or slow down to get into the slow lane, do so. Do not act as though your pride is hurt and speed up a couple of ticks. Just move. The follower will eventually overtake you and shoot past you with middle-finger extended and horn blaring. Thanks. Their kid just pissed all over themselves. Don't you feel nice about yourself?

Concerning Parking

8. If you feel as though you must park in two spaces to protect the paint job on your new vehicle, please do so at the back of the rear of the lot. However, it is NEVER acceptable to hog two PARALLEL parking spaces. If you do, you will be expected to pay the both meters.

9. If your vehicle is as large as or slightly larger than the confines of the lined space, that is a subtle hint that you should NOT try to squeeze your boat-sized monstrosity between two compact cars. For one thing, no one will be able to get their doors open without dinging metal. Also, those cars who have the misfortune of being beside you will NOT BE ABLE TO BACK OUT SAFELY because your stupid ass blocked their view. Park in the back of the lot.

Concerning Signalling

10. Apply your turn signal 1/2 block prior to making a turn, especially when you're in fast-moving traffic where cars are 2-3 seconds apart. Braking suddenly and then making the slowest possible turn on record is by no means safe for your passengers in the back seat.

11. If you have no intention of turning, please disengage your signal. Thanks.

12. Should you be on a bicycle and weaving through traffic like a maniac and preventing people from navigating safely around you, any hand signals you make will be disregarded. We all know you'll cut across me as soon as a light indicates I'll rest on my brake for half a second, and sometimes even before that.

Concerning Distractions

13. If your cell phone or other disturbance in your vehicle prohibit you from heeding rules 2, 7, and 10 you should either a) stop engaging in the distracting activity or b) get your wack self off the road.

14. It is never okay to not follow rules 2, 7, and 10 if the people stuck behind you CAN SEE YOU ON THE PHONE.

15. It is NEVER cool to play your car music so loud that when you pass my house I can't hear my t.v.

Concerning Inclement Weather

16. You do not necessarily need a four wheel drive vehicle to be on the road when there is ice and snow on the ground. You should, however, know what the limitations of your vehicle are and know when to stay off the road.

17. It is okay to go the speed limit when it is raining a trickle to moderately. I PROMISE. You know what water pockets look like, right? Good. Slow down to 35 THEN.

18. Contrary to popular belief, North Carolinians CAN drive when there is precipitation on the road, particuarly those of us originating from the sticks where they don't have snow plows. It is the people from OUT-of-state who get on the roads and fuck shit up. Oh yeah? You're from New York City where it snows every year like clockwork and you drive just fine? Well, where have you ever seen much snow or ice accumulated on a city road? Sidewalks don't count. You have more snow plows than subway trains. We have ONE snow plow for the entire state of North Carolina. I'm joking. A little.

Miscellany

19. If at any time you are driving a vehicle that looks like it will explode at any minute, you are expected to keep a 100-foot bubble around yourself to prevent contamination of flora, fauna, and my car air freshener pine tree.

20. Just because you drive a truck that looks as though it could eat the car in front of you doesn't make it okay to tail them to make them go faster. This is especially true when you have ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTION of passing the car, but simply want them to go faster. You assume that if they're in front they'll get the speeding ticket instead of you. Not only is this practice dangerous, but the person who follows is almost ALWAYS to blame when there's an accident.

21. Take the time to learn where your headlight controls are, especially how to turn your bright lights OFF as quickly as possible. You may be able to see just fine and may not be able to see the fault in the activity, but when I go careening into you head-on because you blinded me, that, my good friend, is your own moral bankruptcy.

Thanks. I feel better now.

Posted by Tiffany at October 24, 2005 07:52 PM | TrackBack