Tiffany's Rules of Conduct for Job Interviews

*no specific candidates were harmed in the compilation of this list.

1 - When you show up to interview for a job that involves working in an office setting you MUST wear a jacket and tie if you're a male unless otherwise instructed. [You should not fear that you'll be overdressed. Your job at that point is to impress your interviewers and make it look like you put in effort into your appearance. Don’t go in there wearing a dingy polo shirt and khakis and expect people to be blown away.]

2 - When you walk through the door, treat everyone congenially - do not merely walk in and demand to see whoever it is you're supposed to be seeing without a "Dog, kiss my ass" to everyone else present." [Always assume that everyone you encounter has a say in hiring decisions. For all you know the receptionist could be the sales manager’s niece and if you treat her like shit on your shoe he'll know about it.]

3 - Never interrupt the hiring agent’s pre-rehearsed spiel with utterances of “Mm hmm, yeah, I know,” because contrary to popular belief, you do not.

4 – Ladies must show taste in selecting garments that are interview-appropriate; cleavage is verboten and, I’m sorry naturalists, pantyhose with leg hair poking through it is not acceptable.

5 – Comb your damn hair (both sexes). [While I am personally the Mistress of Frizz, I have that whole “ethnic” thing going for me. If you’re whiter than Casper and show up with wall-to-wall hair you’ll not fare well. Yes, it’s hair discrimination. You’ve been warned.]

6 – If you are lost or otherwise running late you are absolutely required to give a courtesy call. [Sidling up to the front desk fifteen minutes late with no explanation offered will get your résumé put into the “file for one year” box in the storage closet.] Further, if you’re unable to show up altogether, please forego the complex explanations involving broken-down vehicles and baby-momma drama. [We’ve heard it all before too many times. While, true, people are pissed that you flaked on your appointment, it’s better to just say, “I’m very sorry, I need to reschedule” as soon as you know you’ll need to. Too many excuses make people wonder if you’re reliable and if you’ll show up for work on time if you’re hired.]

7 – If you’re only interviewing to test your marketability because you have “Friends that are xyz” and don’t really have a notion of what the job entails you’ll inevitably end up wasting the interviewer’s time, especially if you have a law degree and think that makes you qualified for everything. [If at any point you discover that you definitely don’t want a job, you should wait for the interviewer to pause in the conversation and then state, “You know, INSERT NAME HERE, I’m extremely grateful for your time, however I don’t think I am a suitable match for the position. May I forward your name to others who may be interested?” Don’t sit there going “Mm hmm, mm hmm, yeah, I don’t want this job.” You look like a fucking idiot and the staff will make fun of you when you leave.]

8 – Turn off your fucking cell phone. An emergency will still be an emergency in thirty minutes.

9 – Never lie on your résumé – a good recruiter can sniff out discrepancies and exaggerations and call you on them during your meeting.

10 – If you’re at ALL interested in going further in the interviewing process, send an email “Thank You” immediately to everyone you interviewed with, and follow up with a hand-written note in the mail as soon as possible for instances where the hiring process may be long and drawn out. [By not sending a note you’re basically conveying that you’re not sure if you’re interested and you’ll be passed over for the person equally qualified who acts eager for an offer.]

Posted by Tiffany at June 28, 2005 10:44 PM